Written by Jonathan Wojcik

THE U.K. IS HOLDING OUT ON US



In my review of Target's carnivorous plant items earlier this month, I said that I looked forward to seeing more carnivorous plants this year, and it turns out that a chain called TK Maxx is delivering the REAL goods........if you live in a country that actually has one. Here in the United States, we only have their "sister" store, TJ Maxx, and I've seen no sign that TJ plans to import any of what we are about to see, photographed and sent to me by Chemywords!

First, let's look at this big gal. This is the very largest of TK Maxx's Audreys, but it's also among the most straightforward: only a plant in a pot with unsettlingly square, human teeth. Yeah, I say "ONLY," because this may be one of the best things you've ever seen, but you're soon to see better still.


This is another photo passing around the internet that shows off a couple of the smaller models, lovely little babies that include a sinister, smiling model and an open-mouth "feed me" model. Take notice by the way of the giant's flower pot; there's an EYE peeking out of it! A humanlike eyeball, and possibly more, is growing out of that thing's roots!

The two smaller plants also do appear to be somewhat different species from the larger one, each with its own unique pod and distinct leaves.


A photo by still someone else also shows the even smaller figurines available; another with an eye and a vibrant purple model.


Back to our friend Chemy's shots, we see that TK Maxx is also selling a completely different, much cheaper and flimsier, still quite charming plant creature, to say nothing of that delightfully inaccurate skeleton owl.


And in a total break from botany, check out these Pocuses and a particularly unsettling candle creature! The third this year!


Our next plant is another of the middle-sized statues, and probably my second favorite. The teeth are more peg-like and menacing, the striking blue pod more fleshy and bloated, and it's another one showing off one of the bizarre root-eyes...assuming the eye even belongs to the plant at all. For all we know, the flowerpot itself is some kind of spirit!


We then have this TOTAL deviation, the pot clearly indicating that this is part of the same series but without a hint of foliage in sight; just a damn human hand with an eye growing out of a pot of dirt. What the heck does THIS imply?! Is this what the eyes really belonged to? Do these eyes and hands just grow like parasitic weeds on these other plants? Are they somehow taxonomically related?? It's pretty freaky imagery, and splendidly original for a Halloween decoration!


Last of all, my top favorite, a plant that would be otherwise typical of this bunch if its ENTIRE mouth wasn't occupied by one huge eyeball! God damn. This is the kind of monster design we get to see all the time in great video games, horror manga and obscure fantasy settings but never before in something as mainstream as mass-produced holiday decor...and in The United Kingdom, no less. That's not even Halloween's homeland! What did we do wrong, TK Maxx?! Why are you hoarding these from us??! I'd give a couple teeth for one of these. I mean, maybe not MY teeth, but any teeth are pretty hard to get, aren't they?

I think that settles one thing, though: ripoff Audrey II's are officially one of Halloween's big-time mascots, having risen to all-new seasonal stardom in only two or three short years. How that started and why, I do not know, but I do know, as I've said before, that my inner child is absolutely LIVID this didn't happen at least twenty five years sooner. If I'd had one of these at ten years old, it wouldn't have just been a cool decoration. No, I'd have treated this like an imaginary pet. I'd have talked to it. Tucked it into bed. Taken it on car trips in a seat of its own. Then I'd have probably broken it at some point because it's made out of resin, and then I'd have probably cried like a baby, so maybe this wasn't the best timeline to wish for after all.

What I'm trying to say is that this is one of the most exciting shapes that this much resin has ever been formed into in my entire time on Earth, and it will be a MORAL OUTRAGE if these never make it stateside, either this year or the next.


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