Small Town Problems

A series of notes written on the notice board in a small Irish town called ‘Donncrann’.

 

25th of October, 1965

Get ready for our Halloween baking competition, bakesale and party in the town hall! All are welcome to enter, parents must supervise their children at all times. Help would be greatly appreciated. Due to limited table space, all competition entries must be submitted before the 28th. The bake sale and party will take place on Halloween at eight pm. Sign up sheet for the competition is below. We hope to see you all there!

      27th of October

Choir practice has been rescheduled, due to the church being in use at half twelve on Sunday. Choir will now be taking place at ten o’clock.

If you cannot attend, please tell me in advance.

-Teresa O’Sullivan, choir director

Bike for sale. Used, back wheel missing. If interested, stop by the garage. Ask for Nick. Prices will be negotiated there. When the bike is gone, it’s gone for good.

      28th of October,

A big thanks to everyone who submitted their entries for this year’s competition. We’ve never had so many amazing cakes before, and these ones are show-stoppers! All of the funds raised at the sale will go to those in need, so make sure to get to the town hall on time. These cakes will be sold before you even know it, so get here first!

A notice of complaint:

Dear ‘Nick’,

This noticeboard is for important announcements, not for advertisements. I’d recommend sticking up posters instead. Though I don’t think anyone will be too tempted by a bike without a wheel.

Yours sincerely,

Michael Lee

      29th of October

Sod off, Michael. What kind of tosser signs notes with his full name? You’re just asking for trouble with that. And I’ll have you know, I’ve already got a taker for the bike, thank you very much.

-‘Nick’

There’s been another scheduling problem with choir practice.

The church has been booked for an event running from nine in the morning to six o’clock in the evening. Choir has been moved to quarter past eight on Sunday.

Hopefully, this will be the last rescheduling.

-Teresa O’Sullivan

Farm cat missing, reward if found. Small tom cat with tawny fur, answers to the name of ‘Tintin’. Please help us find him and bring him back home. Contact Tomas, at Mellcree farm, if you have any information concerning Tintin’s whereabouts.

      31st of October, Halloween

It’s finally here, everyone! The day of the Halloween bake sale has arrived! We hope you come down to the town hall at half six, to take part in some of our Samhain celebrations. We’ll have dancing, bobbing for apples, a raffle with some fabulous prizes, and of course, the long-awaited bake sale! Thank you all for volunteering to help, and we hope that you have a wonderfully spooktacular time tonight!

Found: a bike with a red paint job, a leather saddle, single platform pedals, and a brake that doesn’t work properly. Left half-buried by the side of the road leading out of town. No name on it. If the owner doesn’t come forward, the bike will be sent to the scrapyard. I can only hold onto it for so long. If you’re the owner, then ring me ASAP.

-Mary Boyle

I know it was you, Michael.

-‘Nick’.

Children’s music class will be held at 1:30 to 3 on Wednesday, after school. Participants of all abilities welcome to join! Please bring any instruments you can play.

-Siobh♡n.

A message to all Donncrann residents:

Please do not write threatening messages aimed at other residents on the board. It creates a bad image for the town. We cannot allow senseless pettiness to corrupt us, especially over such trivial matters as a bike being left by the side of the road, that might be the same bike someone was trying to sell. Whatever the case, no actual acts of vandalism were committed, and violent responses will not be tolerated here.

Donncrann residents association

(This particular note was heavily defaced with some clay-like, grey substance after being written. In black ink, the words ‘Michael Lee wrote this’ were scrawled on the paper.)

      1st of November

Weather warning to all Donncrann residents,

Several sources have reported that there will be heavy rain over the coming weeks, with flooding predicted in the lowlands. We don’t know if we’ll see flooding for sure, but it is advised to bring in anything that could be damaged by water, cover crops with tarp, and spread the word to your neighbours.

Stay safe everyone,

Donncrann residents association

Bike for sale, again. Used. Now with two working wheels. The price has been reduced from ‘how much you think it should cost’ to ‘less than what you think it should cost’. The bike’s up on display at the garage, feel free to come by and see it before buying. Unless you’re Michael Lee.

     2nd of November,

Farm car still missing. A local townsperson reported they had seen a cat of that description near the river that passes by the thicket. A search party is being organised to find Tintin at the river tonight, at 9 o’clock. Please help us bring our cat home.

-Tomas.

Dear Tomas,

Due to the severe flooding, it is dangerous to go anywhere near the embankment. We are advising you to cancel the search party until the flooding clears up. We wish you the best luck in finding Tintin, but at the present moment, you cannot go there.

Donncrann residents association.

      4th of November

Whoever is responsible for the pig remains left on the entrance to my driveway, at number three, Agathery road, please come and retrieve them immediately. The dumping of waste, whether recyclable, hazardous or organic on other people’s property is strictly prohibited in Donncrann. When there’s something rotten, for example, dead pigs, in a public space, for example, my driveway, it needs to be removed. If such behavior continues, I will ring the authorities to complain.

Thank you,

Mary Boyle

What?

-Teresa O’Sullivan

Miss O’Sullivan,

This is no laughing matter. There are dead pigs in my driveway. If you think it’s so funny, then come and clean them up yourself. We’ll see how funny you find it then.

-Mary Boyle

Hold on there, Mary. I didn’t mean to come across as mocking. I was just confused as to why someone would dump dead pigs outside your house. If you need help, I’d be glad to help you with it. I could ask some of my friends to come around to your house, if we need any extra help with it.

Yours sincerely,

Teresa O’Sullivan

     5th of November

Thank you to everyone who helped me dispose of the pigs! It saved me a lot of trouble. Special thanks to Teresa, who had the bright idea to use the bodies as fuel. Without her help, they’d still be rotting in a heap in my driveway. No thanks to whoever left them there in first place. If you are the culprit, well, you know who you are.

-Mary Boyle

PLEASE READ

The rainfall and flooding predicted at the beginning of the month was even worse than we expected, due to the river overflowing, and travelling rapidly downwards. Therefore, we advise all residents to stay inside their homes, until help comes. Most importantly, do not panic. The water can’t enter if you don’t let it in.

Donncrann residents association

      6th of November

Music class is still on! If you have signed up, you have to attend every class. The weather is an inconvenience at worst, so using that as an excuse won’t work. I expect to see everyone to see everyone at our next class. To those who do not attend until the weather clears up: don’t expect to be welcomed back with open arms. I don’t have any spare time to waste on you weak-hearted, cowardly filth in music class.

See you all there!

Siobh♡n.

A notice of apology

I would like to say that I am incredibly sorry for accusing ‘Nick’ of selling a broken bike, and for borrowing his bike without asking for permission first. It was rude of me, and since manners are something I value in a person, it sincerely hurts to realise that I have come across as extremely unmannerly. However, I did try to return ‘Nick’s’ bike to him, but as I was rolling it back to the garage, it hit a bump a road in the road, and veered off towards the river. I heard a loud splash and feared the worst, though I still ran off in an attempt to get it back. I’m afraid that the bike is now somewhere in the river, probably too water-logged to work anymore.

I am aware that this all sounds unlikely, but I assure you, I would never intentionally destroy another person’s property. It brings me great sadness to see such a fine piece of mechanic work to be taken from us by the water. I promise you, ‘Nick’, that I will repay you in some way for the loss of your bike. However, I can’t say when this repayment will arrive, seeing as the weather prevents me from leaving the house.

Yours sincerely,

Michael.

 

Heya Michael,

It’s alright, you shouldn’t feel sorry about something that was an accident. It takes a strong person to admit that he did something wrong like that.  Tell you what, if the weather gets better, I’ll buy a new bike, and I’ll teach you how to ride it. Your dad told me that he’d love if we could ride around Donncrann, once you learned how to do it.

Truce?

-‘Nick’

Truce! I’ll see you then.

-Michael.

     9th of November,

It would appear that people are continuing to write on the noticeboard. Some residents, who we do not need to name, are deliberately leaving the safety of their homes to write an apology, an invitation to go on a bike ride (in the water?) or an incredibly threatening warning about children’s music classes. We shouldn’t have to remind you all why this is a bad idea, but it would appear that you do need to have this repeated: don’t leave your homes for anything but absolute emergencies.

Donncrann residents association

     

10th of November

If anyone wants to play Monopoly, we’re holding a game night in the garage tonight. Our set is missing the cat piece, so if you want that one, then you’ll have to bring your own. Everyone is welcome to come, and I mean everyone. Including Michael Lee.

Sorry, Nick. I won’t be able to come tonight, I have to go looking for my heart, it’s gone missing, You know I can’t stand having a vital organ missing. Once I find it, I’ll come over for a game with you like we used to, and that’s a promise.

In the meantime, I hope game night goes well!

Siobh☐n

Don’t worry, we can always hold another game night when

you’ve found it again. Good luck finding it, I know how annoying it is to lose something that important.

-‘Nick’

You’re doing this to spite us, aren’t you? Before anyone asks, a monopoly game night does not count as an ‘absolute emergency’. The streets are flooded completely. Does that not mean anything to you? It’s dangerous to go outside, for Christ’s sake! The only safe way to travel would be by boat. Homemade rafts do not count as boats. Do not try to go to the garage, or try to write any more notices about it. We are serious.

Donncrann residents association

To anyone involved in the game night in the garage: ring me, and I’ll drive my motor launch over to your house on my way to the garage. We can all boat-pool to the garage. Hopefully, the garage will still be above water when we arrive there.

-Teresa O’Sullivan

      12th of November,

This has gone on for too long. I just want to see my cat again, and I’m not going to wait for the flooding to end. I’m going to the river. If you’re worried about me, then thanks, but I know what I’m doing. This may sound dramatic, but I am fully prepared in the event that I don’t come back from the river. It’s something I’ve been scared of my whole life, that I might disappear one day, leaving my son and farm behind. Now, that Tintin has gone missing, it gave me perspective on my fear. I realised that I’m ready to risk disappearing to find him. If I don’t come back, then I’d greatly appreciate it if someone came to Mellcree farm to look after my son, crops, animals and other Tintins.

Thanks,

Tomas.

Dear Tomas,

Excuse me if this sounds nosy, but you have other Tintins? Several other Tintins? Not to make this about me, but I only have ONE heart. There’s a difference between having several spare cats but losing one of them, and having one heart but losing that one. In fact, it’s quite the difference. Yet you never offered to help me find my heart! I have an idea. Meet me at the river tonight, and we’ll settle this there.

-Siobh☐n

Siobh☐n,

I really do not want to fight you over a missing heart. It feels a bit petty, if I’m being honest. I have more important things to worry about tonight. Like rescuing my actual, original cat. So if you see me at the river tonight, please just leave me be.

Thanks,

Tomas.

      13th of November,

No notices were written on this day, but an obituary taken from the Donncrann Gazette, the local newspaper, was cut out and pinned up on the notice board.

~~~

Michael Lee

Passed away peacefully in the river, on the twelfth of November. Twenty five years ago, Michael was found in the soil by his adopted father, Tomas Lee, the owner of Mellcree farm. Michael was a friendly face in Donncrann, and wherever he went, he brought with him joy and good cheer. We will truly miss Michael.

The original Michael went missing in 1928, at the age of twelve, to the great sorrow of his father. When the new Michael was found, twelve years later, there was great celebration in Donncrann, and we thanked the soil for giving Michael back to us

While it is sad that

the river took him away again, we must strive to continue our lives, as Michael would have wanted us to. As the old saying goes:

‘Those who drown are

not dead. Those who are buried are not dead.

They will sleep beneath the waves and the loam, and we will find them,

In the river or in the soil, they will emerge again, with new bodies.

What the water takes, it will give back through the soil.

What the soil takes, it will give back through the water.’

 We know that you’ll

return to us, Michael. It may take another twelve years, but a new Michael will come. Your father can’t wait to see you again.

~~~

 In other news, choir

practice has been scheduled for Midnight, this Sunday. It will be lead by our very own Teresa O’Sullivan. We hope to see you all there, as this will be the last choir practice held in Donncrann church. The church has become waterlogged, and it won’t be long before the building is underwater. Even if you don’t sing or practice religion, come along anyway. This will be a service you’ll never forget!

●     

14th of November,

Thank you to everyone who came to our last ever service in the church! Though the church was filled with water from the river, the pew seats floated on the surface as we sang along. There was a great sense of community that night, everyone in Donncrann in perfect harmony for the last time. Nick brought his bike, and it creaked along with the chorus, Tomas had all of the Tintins with him (one Tintin sat on his head for the duration of the service, bless ‘em), and Siobh♡n played the pipe organ for used, as her newly-found heart fluttered above the candles and roosted in the rafters.

 Mary, my wonderful, wonderful girlfriend sang with me as we all danced on the roof, while the water rose around us. It brought me back to when we first met, while she was dealing with the pigs in our driveway. Those pigs are now growing from her skin in small, squealing bunches. We’ve decided to keep them, seeing as they’re what brought us together in the first place. Even the residents association came along for the service. We could just about see their tangled limbs waving at us from the water. It’s a pity they don’t know how to breathe air yet. I bet they’d be great at singing!

Also, I finally found out what was on in the church when we were trying to hold choir. Nick and his friends from the garage have been building a boat in the church, in case of a flood! They were also storing some of the cakes from the Halloween bakesale in the cellar, so that we don’t go hungry during our voyage. Tomorrow, we’re going to sail away from the church, and hopefully find some dry land. It might take a while, but we’re alright with that. After all, Donncrann might have its fair share of small problems, but we’ve never been unable to overcome them before. We’ll wait and see. Thank you all for an amazing service, and goodnight!

Teresa O’Sullivan, choir director.

Two final reminders: If anyone wants to write a note on the notice board, ask me for a lend of it. I decided to take it from the town hall before leaving, for posterity’s sake. To be honest, the only thing the town hall was used for was that noticeboard, and I’m glad we had it. When we find a new Michael in the soil, we’ll sell the board and buy him a bike, so that he doesn’t have to borrow Nick’s bike without asking again.

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