Hatsuyume

HATSUYUME

Entry #1 - 01/01

Last night, I had a really strange, vivid dream. I don’t usually dream at all, or at least I don’t remember what I dreamt about, so this was unusual to begin with. I believe there’s a tradition in Japan where the first dream of the New Year is supposed to be prophetic, ‘Hatsuyume’. I really hope that’s not the case here. Ian died in November and Ella’s funeral was just last week, so the last couple of months have been hard enough. I’ve never been one to journal; spelling out my own thoughts always feels strange to me. Even writing this, I don’t like putting my own voice on paper. But this dream didn’t really feel like “me”.

I was standing on a beach with black sand, barefoot, toes sinking in as I stepped forward. It felt so real, soft and cool... I’ve never felt in my dreams before. When I reached the edge of the water I just stood there, watching the waves roll in. It was nighttime, and the sea was dark. The sky was empty, but the water seemed to reflect the stars that should have been there, pinpricks of bright white light that wavered on the surface. As the waves reached my toes, one of the pieces of light was left behind, and it was a smooth, bright white seashell that almost hurt to look at. I reached down to pick it up, but although it looked smooth, the edge cut my finger. It didn’t hurt, but I felt a shock travel through my body, a shiver. The blood dripped onto the shell and quickly spread to cover it, and in an instant, the red traveled across the sea, dyeing all the wavering stars in crimson. I reached down again to pick up the shell, knowing it would only hurt me, and it sliced my fingers as I tried to grab it, again and again.

In a sudden swirl, the water rose up, a wave towering above my head and crashing down to encapsulate me entirely. I tasted the saltwater pouring into my mouth, and I couldn’t breathe but I wasn’t upset or struggling. I tried to speak but said nothing. The waves dragged me deep into the ocean, but there was no more water, only emptiness, a black hole that surrounded every sense, and it was then that I woke up.

I don’t know what it means, if dreams mean anything. I never really believed in that kind of thing. But even now it unnerves me. Here’s hoping that the rest of this journal remains blank.

Entry #2 - 01/08

It’s been over a week, so I didn’t think I’d dream again… but I did, last night. It had the same kind of feeling, like being overwhelmed by everything. I don’t think I talked about that much in my last entry, but the dreams both felt like… a glass on the verge of overflowing. A disconcerting sensation that leaves me anxious in the morning.

In this one, I started off in a space that was completely quiet and warm. It was this soft red color all around, and there wasn’t any visible floor or walls but I could stand and walk on some sort of solid-feeling surface and it rippled under my feet. The sound of my footsteps echoed all around, the only noise, and as I walked further the rippling intensified, sending the ground up around me like waves. It was like an ocean again, and I continued to walk until my foot slipped through and I fell, grasping around me for something to hold on to but there was nothing, only the red. It was like I was falling through it and through the space between it at the same time, suffocating and spinning all at once. Then, the red started pushing towards me, the imprints of hands, human hands, her hands, stretching against it to reach me, grasping, pulling.

I woke up then, and I couldn’t fall back asleep. It had only been two hours. As I write this I am exhausted, but I fear sleeping again, and the sensation of everything being just on the cusp of spilling won’t go away.

Entry #3 - 01/11

It’s been normal again until now. I work, sleep, and repeat without issue. But I dreamed again and everything, every feeling came crashing back. I fear that if this cycle continues I’m going to lose my mind.

There was another change of scenery. The middle of a dense forest. The sky was dark but light streamed through from between the trees, and I couldn’t see what was beyond them, but I could hear the ocean, faintly. I stood in a small clearing, where the trees arched around me and branches hung into the space where I stood. Mirrors dangled from them, different shapes and sizes, some fully framed and some shattered fragments of glass. Every one showed me something different, and with each, I grew more and more upset.

In the first I looked, I saw someone that wasn’t me. It was Ella, bruises crushing her dainty neck among lines of red, eyes dull and lifeless. She was just as the last time I saw her, and I quickly looked away.

But in the next mirror, I saw nothing. I searched every inch of the surface, but I couldn’t see myself. I couldn’t see her. There was nothing. Just emptiness.

And in the third, the worst of all, I saw myself. But I was covered in thick blotchy patches of black and red, stretching my skin, and my eyes were wide, with pitch black sclera. I reached to feel my face and I felt nothing but the reflection did the same, and I knew it was me. I opened my mouth and woke up screaming.

There was no one there to hear, the perks of living alone, but it scared my poor cat. And myself. This was, to me, the most terrifying dream yet, but somehow… I’m not afraid to sleep again, after writing this down. I feel exhausted, lethargic. I don’t want to see myself like that again, or see her, but I need to sleep. Maybe I’m getting sick.

Entry #4 - 01/12

I dreamt that I was young again, playing with Ian. Our parents were static, frozen smiles and flickering faces by a picnic table. We ran in the sand and tossed stones at the waves, as if we thought we could knock them back. We didn’t know Ella when we were that young, but in the dream she was there, watching. Her eyes  followed me. The sea roared and the roar turned into an engine and it plunged towards Ian and hit him and she pointed at me and opened her mouth and a black cloud billowed from it and surrounded

I don’t want to finish this

Entry #5 - 01/18

I’ve been sleeping for a long time. 15 hours, 18, 20, I think. I’ve lost track of time. The phone keeps ringing and ringing but now the voicemail is full so they’ve stopped calling as much. A coworker came to check on me, but I pretended I wasn’t there. I don’t really feel like I am. I don’t know if I dreamed anymore. I can’t remember. But I can feel it. It’s suffocating me like hands around my neck, still so painfully on the verge of overflowing, teetering, spinning my head and my thoughts and I hate it i hate it i hate it i hate

Entry #6 - 01/25

Something’s wrng with me. I feel lke I’ve been in a haze, outside of my bdy, and in the moments of lucidty, I see the destrction around me. My room is a mess. Evrything is scatered and broken. I dont know what to do. Time isn’t passig like it should, and I feel like I’m constantly being suffcated and watced and and I didnt lik how my cat kept staring and staing at me so I put her outside. I dont know whats real anymore. I see Ella in the cornr of my room and she hates me and i hope its a dream but i cant remeber if its real any more

Entry #7

I remembered a dream again. I stood in front of his grave and cried and she was there and she blamed me, she ha te d me even though I didn t do an yth ing, I wasn't driving, i had to wa tch it hit him she didnt. I stood there and then I stood in an aquarium and it was empty excpet for one tnk. It was empty except for one  tank which had her insde and she stred at me wth blank eys and kncked her hand on the glass and woultn stop she woud nt stop so i had to i had to take a knife and i had to i had to cutand cut and the glass was  sharp and  it cu t cut cut the re was so mcuh i

She said “it’s your fault he’s g o n e.”

Itsmyfaultitsmyfaultitsmyfaultitsnotmyfaultits NOT MY  F AUL T

Entry #8

I walkd down to the beach and the hands strangld me fully, and I was unconscous, but my eyes were open, and I wached myself being dragged. My hand combed through the sand, a trail of red left in its wake, and the persn draging me was a void, a mess of blak scribles in a human shape. It pulled me into the water and pshed me under the waves, and I closed my eyes and woke up.

Haha, that wasn’t me, was it? That was her. I know it wasn’t me because I was the one dragging, in reality. Was it real? Fuck fuck fu ck uf kcufkc  ufkcufuckfucufkckfuckfuc uckfucu kfucFUcuUC FUCKCUcfuCK

I DONT KNOW ANYMRE I don’t know if it was real or a dream or re al or a draem or a figemnt of imgnation but I remmber everyhting. I remember I can think clrealy I

WhywhywhywhywhywHYWHYWHYWhywhyokay

I shouldn’t wr itelike this.

FUCK

Enter

I did it idid it i had to do it she wo uldnt stop blmaing pleaseplaaseplease just s top stop the drea ms please i cant take t his e veyr thign hur ts and i cant br eathe im d r owngi ng im suf focat ign it wotn l e ave my mnid im sorry im sorryim sir oor y im sorry im sorry i m soryryr im sorry im sorry ims orry ims osry im sorry im sorry

Entry #10 - 02/01

I’m going to the sea.