Bogleech.com's 2017 Horror Write-off:

A Series of Calls to the USDA Office - May 20██

Submitted by Keetah Spacecat



[ 0800 - Friday - May █ - 20██ ]

[Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Please leave your name and your phone number, and an agent will contact you as soon as one is available. *BEEP*]

"Uhhhh hello? This here is Mike ██████ at ███-███-████. I ordered some antibiotics yesterday for my dairy cows, and I think somethin' might be wrong with this here batch. The girls are getting' rashes of the boil nature up around where they were injected. Could someone please send out someone to take a looksie here? If this here is a bad batch, I can't imagine what it's going to do to other cows, 'specially when they got calves in them growin. Please call back as soon as yeh can, thank ya kindly."

*click*





[ 1600 - Friday - May █ - 20██ ]

[Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Please leave your name and your phone number, and an agent will contact you as soon as one is available. *BEEP*]

"Hey, Mike ██████ again. Sorry to call back so soon, I reckon ya'lls busy as all hell, but my cows seems to be gettin'worse. Luckily, I only treated bout ten of them, I got them separated from the others. The boils are startin to look like burn blisters. Should I call a vet out here? Please call back, my number once again is ███-███-████..."

*click*




[ 1200 - Saturday - May 5th - 20██ ]

[Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Please leave your name and your phone number, and an agent will contact you as soon as one is available. *BEEP*]

"Mike here again.Since I didn't get any calls back, I went and called me up a vet. He took a look and figured it might be some allergic reaction of the sort. Gave me some ointment and said they should be fine. Sorry for jumpin'the gun there, but I was mighty worried about my girls. I'm sure you folks can understand ."

*click*




[ 600 - Monday- May █ - 20██ ]

[Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Please leave your name and your phone number, and an agent will contact you as soon as one is available. *BEEP*]

"Hello, this is  Mike ██████. I'm thinking in the end that was a bad batch of antibiotics. Vet said it may be an allergy, but an allergy doesn't explain some things I've been seein'lately.  Do you know of any damn allergy that makes all the hair fall off an animal? Goddamn, these girls are smooth as river stone, I ain't ever seen anythin'like it. I just went in for the usual milkin, course I wasn't gonna keep it, just to give them some relief ya know? And all ten of em were just standin'around without a lick of hair on em. Damndest thing I ever seen. They've been eatin'good at least. I'd appreciate a call back, at least lettin'me know at least someone is looking into this. My number is ███-███-████"

*click*




[ 1400 - Wednesday- May █ - 20██ ]

[Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Please leave your name and your phone number, and an agent will contact you as soon as one is available. *BEEP*]

"Mike ██████ again. Look....I know you folks are busy and all, but I figured I should call you up to let you know that my cows have started bloatin'up. I mean, this isn't NORMAL bloating, they are becoming spherical to the point that their bellies touch the damn ground. They don't seem to be in pain any, and they are certainly eatin'a lot. I called the vet again, and doesn't have a clue on what the hell is going on. Can't you at least give me a call back? Anyhing?"

*click*




[ 1400 - Saturday - May █ - 20██ ]

[Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Please leave your name and your phone number, and an agent will contact you as soon as one is available. *BEEP*]

"LOOK YOU BETTER SEND SOME GODDAMN PEOPLE DOWN HERE. THE FUCKIN COWS ARE CACOONED TO THE SIDES OF THE BARN.  They ain't even COWS ANYMORE, just....sacks of flesh and veins. There's a hoof. an eye, or an ear here and there, but mostly just big fucking sacks cemented to the wall. Sometimes they fuckin'MOO still. You BETTER send someone over before this gets any worse!"

*click*




[ 800 - Sunday- May █ - 20██ ]

[Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Please leave your name and your phone number, and an agent will contact you as soon as one is available. *BEEP*]

"We'll coming down here ain't going to do a lick of good anymore. Them cocoons the cows turned into?  Yeah, they fucking burst open durin'the night. Came in to check in on them this morning to find just blood and flesh everywhere. There were some strange tracks movin'out past the house into the woods. I didn't hear nothin. At least the girls ain't sufferin'anymore, but you boys better get down here and fix this shit."

*click*




[ 1200 - Tuesday - May █ - 20██ ]

[Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Please leave your name and your phone number, and an agent will contact you as soon as one is available. *BEEP*]

"Mike ██████ here. The other girls are losing their hair and bloatin up, just like the other ones. Who knows what it is at this point, but I'll tell ya what I'm going to do. I'm going to put a bullet in every one of their brains. I'll stop this before it starts, and then I'm going to sell the farm and retire. Whatever is going on, I'm getting out while the goin's good. Lots of wildlife has gone missing round these parts, and I ain't sticking around to end up on the menu myself. You boys got your work cut out for yas."

*click*