A Magic: The Gathering Creature Review by Jonathan Wojcik

Illustrator: Melissa Benson


   Say "elemental" around most fantasy geeks, and you'll usually call to their mind something like this Fire Elemental from Magic's early years, once subjected to far too many jokes on the word "hot." Elementals are traditionally entities made from pure rock, fire, water, air, or in more adventurous settings, things like mud or sand or mercury. Things literally made of just one pure substance or chemical reaction. A classic trope, but one that I personally always find a little dull and repetitive. I definitely prefer stranger monsters than just some guy made of silt, or something, and I'm glad Magic's elementals have grown increasingly peculiar...


The Belligerent Hatchling

Illustrator: Dermot Power


   ...On the other hand, many are so out-there that there's really nothing in particular defining them as "elementals," other than Wizard's claim that they "embody the raw forces of nature." You know, like the raw force of a tentacle-dog with bees in its mouth, and when it barks, it shoots bees at you!


The Stenchskipper

Illustrator: Howard Lyon


   Likewise, I don't know what a giant, hovering, smelly mudskipper would be an "elemental" of, but I'm still happy Magic has a giant, hovering, smelly mudskipper. A giant, hovering, smelly mudskipper apparently worshiped by boggarts. Many, and in fact most, of the elementals we'll be reviewing actually come from the complementary Lorwyn and Shadowmoor settings, which had heavy focus on pixies, tiny goblins and other traditional fairy-folk with cool new twists.


The Ethereal Whiskergill

Illustrator: Howard Lyon


   From what I surmise, the idea of elementals, at least as of Lorwyn, is that they're essentially pure magical power manifesting into animal-like forms. Their overall design scheme is meant to be just a little more abstract and impossible than natural "beast" type creatures (which I'm sure I'll also review one day) but not quite as insane and ghastly as spirits or horrors. This floating, hot pink axolotl, looking almost as heart-meltingly adorable as a real axolotl, definitely feels more supernatural than just any other big salamander.


The Whimwader

Illustrator: Jeff Easley


   This beautiful nightmare, on the other hand, feels a lot closer to horror territory, looking almost like a manifestation of John Carpenter's The Thing. Cutely, the concept was described to Jeff Easley as a two-faced "wolf eel," but he wasn't aware that wolf eels are actual animals. When he sent them back this disturbing, melted dog-face serpent, they understandably loved it anyway...and is that brain tissue blowing around in the sky? Is that part of the Whimwader? Does it generate...

...Brain storms?


The Shriekmaw

Illustrator: Steve Prescott


   Shriekmaw was a fairly popular design when it debuted, which I say because it's one of the very few Magic monsters to have inspired the kind of fan-art I can't show you here. It certainly is interestingly pretty for a black card, what with its butterfly-like flaps and mirrored frogmouth face on the body of a colorful tiger salamander. It's made entirely of parts from completely harmless, adorable little animals you would barely associate with doom and darkness, but put together in a way that's actually pretty freaky. I honestly approve of this black creature looking a little "prettier" than they usually do. After a while, even seething abominations can start blending together.


The Heartmender

Illustrator: Rebecca Guay


   Okay. Well. I don't know about the rest of you, but a warthog-spider-snake is certainly the kind of thing that would mend my heart.


The Doomgape

Illustrator: Dave Allsop


   I enjoy the equal elements of monstrousness and whimsy, here; a hairy, eyeless, roundish beast that's 80% mouth doesn't sound like it would be this cute, but there's just something so silly about those little, flailing limbs. It's a titanic, slavering puppy dog mouth that just barrels and chomps its way through everything in its path! What's not to love? I mean, unless you're that sorry chump in the bottom left.


Hostility

Illustrator: Omar Rayyan


   The more I look at this one, the more I like. It's like a huge, scabby, dancing chicken, but with the heads of a baby vulture and some sort of catfish. The mouth in between the two is pretty neat as well, even if it hits almost uncomfortably, albeit accidentally, close to a concept I did long before this set came out. It certainly does look like an embodiment of hostility, in any case. What else would it look like?


Dread

Illustrator: Matt Cavotta


   This kick-ass hybrid of biting, stinging, venomous creatures almost doesn't look like a single, coherent creature, its dual hornet abdomens barely connected to its body by thin, stringy tendrils, and its last six legs apparently ending in long, winding feet resembling whole centipedes! It's so beautifully disorienting, a single body resembling a whole swarm of different creatures, that even I might find this thing slightly dreadful to encounter, though still not enough to kill my desire to keep it in a giant terrarium.


The Rust Elemental

Illustrator: Arnie Swekel


   An unusual artifact elemental, this definitely looks like the kind of thing that would physically symbolize the oxidization and corrosion of metal. Its fat, jolly Slimer-like proportions are just lovable, and the physically impossible wings of perpetually dissolving rustiness are a way cool touch. That poor little flying artifact-critter in its claws doesn't stand a chance.


The Dawnfluke

Illustrator: Mark Zug


   This white elemental looks innocent enough at a glance, but might have one of the most unsettling faces of anything I've reviewed from the game up to this point. That perfect, smooth, noseless face, doll eyes and ruby-red lips are just so wrong, especially with its big, muscular mer-cheetah body and membranous bat-ears. The dainty, clawed forelimbs, directly between human arms and emu claws, nicely complete the effect. I'd be a lot more terrified to run into this than Dread. At least with Dread, you already have a good idea what it'll do to you. This just looks like it might bad touch you.


The Hateflayer

Illustrator: Thomas M. Baxa


   Okay, this is definitely a design on the "spirit" side of things, but however you want to classify it, Hateflayer is almost comedically bad-ass. It already sounds like a Death Metal band, and could serve as its own album cover to boot. A burning, sparkling tangle of talons and barbed, branching snakes is pretty much the only thing I could ever imagine literally flaying hate. I don't even know what that would mean, but this is obviously the thing that does it. I wouldn't even ask questions. If you pointed to one of these screaming across the sky and said "that, sir, is a hateflayer," I'd just be all "yes. Yes that is quite apparent."


The Living Hive

Illustrator: Anthony S. Waters


   Spitting out insect tokens left and right, a nest of insects is a pretty neat thing to make an elemental out of, and Anthony does a fine job making it look insect-like, while still clearly some magically animated mass of soil, fungus, chewed wood and whatever else these particular bugs built their nest out of.


The Flickerwisp

Illustrator: Jeremy Enecio


   This feathered, moth-like creature with no apparent head and sixteen fleshy, spidery finger-legs is another of those rare, white creature cards we can truly describe as a monster, though an even more striking example is yet to come. When Flickerwisp enters play, it causes any other card you want to vanish for just the rest of the turn, its flavor text quipping that "its wings disturb more than air." I don't know what makes any of this "elemental" in theme, but apparently this thing flapping can send you bouncing into some totally random dimension out of infinite possibilities. Luckily, you come right back! You might not even go to one made of poop or lava or anything! I love when a white card is almost more terrifying than the average black card.


The Cinderbones

Illustrator: Carl Critchlow


   Hearkening back to the more traditional definitions of "elemental" is an entire family of "cinder" beings, my favorite of which is this "Elemental Skeleton." I love the charred flesh, or who knows what, still clinging to its arms and legs, and that glowing hot face is damn haunting.


The Thicket Elemental

Illustrator: Ron Spencer


   Ron Spencer always knows how to take a concept in a cool and alien direction; this two legged, spider-eyed stickerbush would be fairly interesting on its own, but the shadowy, hairy figure inside it is an ingenious touch. A prisoner of the thicket creature, or its true body?


The Supreme Exemplar

Illustrator: Mark Tedin


   What. What in the world is going on here? A "Supreme Exemplar" is a city-sized manta ray with at least six different animal heads? Sure. Why not. This thing is both hilarious and terrifying, almost like something out of the Dictionairre Infernal or other classical monster art. Really, anything with both a goat's head and at least one other head is going to exude some creep factor. The rest are just bonus heads. Especially the toad. A toad head is like a double bonus. Supreme Exemplar's really gunning for the head-having high score!


The Tar Fiend

Illustrator: Anthony S. Waters


   A little more down to Earth, the Tar Fiend makes the most sense out of every single thing on this page to be called an elemental, but still looks like a totally strange little alien monster. All creatures of ooze-like consistency have their charm, but that little pug-mouth slung under Tar Fiend's various eyes is so darling. You just couldn't possibly resist snuggling that silly, toothy little face, which is probably how Tar Fiend traps its prey. I also like how its "arms" remind me of broken chicken wings, unless that's just me. I see chicken parts in a lot of places. I live in a whole hidden chicken part world.


The Desecration Elemental

Illustrator: Pete Venters


   Okay. If only one Elemental has a shot at kicking the Hateflayer from its throne of burning skulls in the Mountain of Rock, it would have to be an elemental of pure Desecration. Leave it to Pete Venters to know exactly what "Desecration" looks like when it gets up and walks around; a towering arachnoid cyst of blackened, gnarled wood, Vagina Dentata jaws and - look very, very closely - human skulls for EYES. The corpses (if they're even actually dead...yikes) animated by its roots are a great touch, leaving me to ponder whether this thing is even mobile at all or just sends its infectious tendrils worming their way through the surrounding land, turning everything they touch into its tainted minions!


The Spawnwrithe

Illustrator: Daarken


   Strangely, I don't have much to say about this multi-headed maggot-snake's design, either, though I feel I must include it because it's one of the few cards with a parasitoid theme; if it successfully damages your opponent, it generates a duplicate of itself! Nasty! Considering that it does two damage by default and players start with twenty life, that means some poor sap could have ten of these rip out of their torso before their misery is over. That's so insultingly horrible, it's hysterical. Can you just imagine the increasingly mutilated, increasingly paranoid wizard visited over and over again by more freaking spawnwrithe? Tearing out of his flesh just to slither back to the enemy's side and do the whole thing over the next day? For God's sake, just conjure a gun already and end it all.


The Offalsnout

Illustrator: Alex Horley Orlandelli


   Oh my word. This pig-slug-caterpillar with earthworm legs is just about one of the cutest, dopiest, most lovable black-mana monsters I have ever seen, though perhaps fairly disturbing, I suppose, in the usual manner of out-of-place pig faces. What would this be an elemental of? Decomposition? Definitely speaking my language.


The Festercreep

Illustrator: Jeff Easley


   ...Though not quite as fluently as this ingenious little cutie. Spider-shaped from a distance, but made of worms, maggots, flies, moldy rotten flesh and at least one literal rat's ass, its tail serving as one of the conglomerate's legs! This...this brings a tear to my eye. It really does. If I were a nefarious sorceror myself, I think I'd be happy with nothing but Festercreep minions. Thousands of them...and still never enough. There could never be enough.


The Woeleecher

Illustrator: Izzy


   Now, as much personal bias as I have for our last two, I feel that Woeleecher is the overall coolest design for an Elemental yet, and deserves most of all to be the one we end on. Another refreshingly monstrous white card, its multiple heads are clearly inspired by the appearance of a squid's beak, but the red-orange glow of its eyes, grown over with skin, illuminates its elongated toucan-like skulls. Perfection. A truly haunting image and not a monster you would expect to be a healer, though as its name implies, it'll apparently suck your woes - or magical curses - right out of your body. What a sweetie.

Sweeties?