 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Video Review: Lumpkin The Pumpkin |
|
|
|
"It's Halloween! A contest is on among the spooky witches and jack-o'-lanterns to see who can frighten the children the most. But Tara the Good Witch and LUMPKIN THE PUMPKIN don't want to be scary or play tricks. They show the girls and boys how to really enjoy Halloween and how to stay safe too. Singer Bobby Goldsboro narrates and sings this happy tale of tricks, treats and Halloween fun." |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
....So goes the official synopsis for "Lumpkin the Pumpkin", one of the most amazing halloween cartoons the world has ever seen. I'm not sure what kind of amazement it generates, but I'm pretty sure that what I feel after its 23-minute running time can ultimately be classified as some twisted flavor of amazement. I ran across it in a dollar store way back in 2003, and picked it up under the assumption that it would be reasonably awful. I was wrong.
I've been stalking the internet for just about a decade now. I've read enough articles like this to fill an entire library with sarcastic reviews of Critters 4 alone. I can say with utmost confidence that NOONE, anywhere, has ever reviewed a cartoon as uproariously awful as Lumpkin the Pumpkin. I don't even think such a cartoon could even exist. |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
The video begins with a musical introduction, entitled "A Frightful Night for Halloween", which is actually fairly catchy in my book. Unfortunately, you aren't going to notice the music the first time around. What you're going to notice is animation with a minus-infinity budget as near-static images dance over the same three backgrounds over and over, assaulting your eyeballs like so many other, bodiless eyeballs who envy them with a burning jealousy they believe they can only express through violence. |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
After the song, the "story" picks up in a pumpkin patch, where a witch named Maggie has brought her daughter Tara to pick out her first pumpkin. Witches, we are told, must carry a pumpkin on halloween night to frighten children with, and are competing this year for the title of Head Witch. Not only do the writers pull this tradition clear out of their asses, but they explain it to us via the single most ghastly song I've ever heard, made all the ghastlier when you realize that Maggie, who sings the whole damn thing, is voiced by our announcer, MR. Goldsboro. |
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
During the song, Maggie transforms a frog into an ape, terrorizes a scarecrow with a fireball (which Tara kindly puts out), and most magical of all, dances for several seconds in FULL animation (and genuinely impressive animation, too). |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
When Maggie has finished her gurgling, it's time for Tara to pick this year's pumpkin. Unfortunately, Tara wasn't listening to the song at all and chooses the most sorry-ass pumpkin in the patch based on "cute" factor. His name is Lumpkin, and he's a country bumpkin. Maggie says she's going to be the "laughingstock of witchberg", a line puncuated for no reason by one of those "wop, wop, wahhh" sound effects, used in a serious attempt at comedy for the first time in 87 years. |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
Dejected, Maggie nonetheless takes her daughter and the dull-witted vegetable on a quick broomride to meet with their fellow witches. The trio are, indeed, a laughingstock, and Maggie is fairly certain that she's already lost. While the other witches head off for their halloween hijinks, Maggie stays behind and tells Tara to just take the broom out and have fun. |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
Cut to the first witch attempting her scare-of-the-year, magically giving her pumpkin a set of bat's wings to terrorize a pack of innocent trick-or-treaters. Unfortunately, the kids are unimpressed and rid themselves of the pesky demon with a stupid baseball routine that's probably supposed to be funny, knocking it straight into its wicked creator and dumping them both in a garbage can. The scene ends with another "wop, wop, wahhh", used in a serious attempt at comedy for only the second time in 87 years. |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
We then join up with Tara and Lumpkin on the first of their little excursions in the suburbs, happening upon a bunch of ugly little brats in the most idiotic costumes I've ever seen (what the hell is that girl supposed to be!?) plotting to pull a nasty prank on what they claim to be the scariest, meanest old woman in town. Their plan? Turn her garden hose on her front porch. Not her, but her porch. Tara doesn't understand the natural inclinations of human children to be assholes for the sake of assholery, and insists on talking to the lady instead. Shocked that any child would ever dare be nice to her, the old bag (ALSO voiced by Goldsboro) invites her in and gives her an entire bag of delicious candy, showing those other brats how to really sucker people into coughing up the goods. |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
It's now time to see what the other rival witch is up to, and her utterly inane plan is to frighten an entire football stadium by magically swapping her pumpkin with the ball. Whereas bat-pumpkin actually would have been a little unnerving in the real world, the football idea is just completely stupid and could never possibly frighten anyone. Luckily our poorly-drawn football players know just what to do with evil pumpkin-balls. |
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
Back in the sad little world of Lumpkin, good deeds are afoot once again. Startled by the sound of crying, Tara investigates the nearby bushes to find a little girl who was ditched there by the "big kids" for not being scary enough. When the bullies come back - ironically in the fruitiest costumes yet - Tara gives the child her broom and uses her magic to teach those kids a lesson in a sequence carefully explained by the narrator as we watch it. |
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
Moved by this, Lumpkin states how much he'd like to help children too, and busts into a long, heartfelt song about how badly he wishes that kids were more visible in the dark. Yes, without warning, the cartoon reveals itself to be nothing more than a public service message about trick-or-treat safety, sung over entirely nonsensical images of random children while Tara stands around in the sky. |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
When the song ends, we see that the trio has ironically wandered right into the middle of the road, where a speeding driver stops just inches short of making one very meaty pumpkin pie. "Are you alright?" asks the ugly man, stepping out of his car. "Yes, we're fine, but what happened?" responds Tara. "Why, I nearly hit you, that's what! If I hadn't seen something orange, I would have!". The man points to Lumpkin, and goes on about how nice it wold be every kid had a pumpkin like him...which gives Tara an idea. |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
......A wonderful, AWFUL idea! |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
"Oh powers of the orange pumpkin, multiply the face of Lumpkin. Make them gow so they'lle be seen, and keep kids safe on Halloween!" |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
With that one little chant, Tara single-handedly ruins every child's costume with gaudy, apparently reflective Lumpkin safety gear. "Now Lumpkin's face is glowing brightly on bracelets, necklaces, pins and stickers!" exclaims our joyous narrator, unexpectedly turning this unexpected public safety announcement into an infomercial for products that, to the best of my knowledge, were never produced. |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
Back at their dinky hideout, the witches have regrouped to bitch at one another for being complete failures. When Tara shows without Lumpkin, the other hags assume she finally wised up and ditched him, but just when they're getting into a good gloat, they spot Lumpkin approaching... |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
FROM EVERYWHEEERE!!! |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
Terrified, all four adult witches duck behind some bushes, making complete dipshits out of themselves when the narrator tells them the truth of the situation. |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
Humbled, the current head witch gives a brief retirement speech about how Tara not only managed to pull the ultimate scare, but taught everyone a valuable lesson about good, clean halloween fun and has earned herself the title of head witch. A final, LONG-ass song ensues over the credits, while we watch pretty much the whole thing over again in a series of still images until it's finally over. |
|
|
|
...But your suffering has only just begun... |
|
|
|
DOWNLOAD "What a Frightful Night for Halloween" (MP3) |
|
|
|
DOWNLOAD "Witches Have to be Scary" (MP3) |
|
|
|
DOWNLOAD "My Lumpkin Wish" (MP3) |
|
|
|
DOWNLOAD the ending credits song (MP3) |
|
|
|
All songs property F.H.E, Kid Rhino and Bobby Goldsboro |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
"Lumpkin the Pumpkin" is a masterpiece, plain and simple. Words, pictures and a few mp3's can't possibly do it justice. If you find it, buy it. And if you've already seen it before reading this review, you MUST drop me a line and tell me all about your first experience with this magical halloween treasure.
More importantly, I challenge you to find evidence that any Lumpkin merchandise ever actually existed, and if you can get me pictures, I will worship the ground you walk on. |
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
AIM / Yahoo: Scythemantis
Email / MSN:
bogleech@hotmail.com
|
|