Written by Jonathan Wojcik
THIRTEEN FINAL 2016 SPOOKSWe're now two thirds into November, and normally, I'd have done a few more Halloween posts by now. Some of my biggest monster reviews of previous seasons even came in November and December, but for reasons I probably don't need to get into, it's a little harder than usual to stay in spirit - especially since, when I do feel motivated to focus on something fun, I currently have a new pokemon game to fixate on.
Halloween, however, can persevere through anything, and I've even got enough stuff left over for one last review of spooky knick-knacks...
November 1st Bonus Spider
But enough about that. One day after Halloween proper, I found this classic specimen of a Heebie Jeebie lying in the street among an assortment of garbage, already run over by at least two cars and probably going nowhere but the sewer if I weren't completely willing to take it home and wash it.
This specific spider is one I'm quite familiar with. I had several of the same model, same paint job as a child, which were often sold together with bags of fake webbing. It's now been a pretty long time since I've ever seen one for sale, but I'm sure they persist somewhere.
Daiso "Dancing Monster"
This, for instance, is some sort of pumpkin-faced shadow-devil-ghost, or according to its tag, a "dancing monster:"
Look at those beautiful graphics, though. I wish this tag were just a full sized poster.
Daiso Ghost Figurine
Japanese Pumpkin Pail
Daiso Halloween Sign
Giant Fred Meyer Lawn Zombies
Big Lots "Creeping Pops"
That "TASTE THE FEAR" packaging might be the best part of these, especially the dramatic photoshop of the mysterious goth seductively eating rubber bug candy on the back.
Cheap Solar Pumpkin
Homegoods Cutlery Pumpkin
JoAnn Fabrics Skelecycles
Actually, you know what, I still don't know how to describe these. They're mashups of motorcycle, broom and skeletal monster arm with some sort of attached wooden sled or board, which I guess you can use as a vehicle for any suitably-sized doll or figure of a witch or other Halloween monster. Whoever came up with these clearly had a creative vision far too grand to be limited to paintable craft store figurines. Why don't these just exist?
Wal Mart Candy Monsters
A burglar who is also a candy corn, for example, barely registers a two on the Hall-o-weird-o-meter. We've seen lots of candy corn beings. It goes without saying that some percentage of sentient candy corn would turn to a life of crime in this mixed-up world.
This cupcake that's also a vampire, though? Definitely a 4, even considering the shapeshifting abilities nosferatu are so famous for. Authentic bloodsuckers, anyway. Vampires in folklore could turn into animals, objects, plants, gases, furniture, shadows, websites about pokemon, basically anything to get people's guard down while they silently, sometimes even, say, digitally drain the blood of the living.
The candy cat here might seem at first like one of the less peculiar of the bunch, but the more I think about this being, the more it earns that 8 on the important scale I just invented for these four specific stuffed animals. There's no distinction between what's actual, furry cat skin and what's candy wrapper here. It's just hollow cat-flesh creature with a face presumably housing a single very large lozenge of some sort, which I'm going to assume is also this animal's brain and soul.
Last but not least, earning a score of sixteen weird candy monster points, we have a doughnut that is also a witch, again neither Hocus nor Pocus but every bit as odd, and I'm sure all sorts of dark hexes spew from its blasphemous hole. My favorite thing about this delicious sorceress is probably the eyemask, just so witnesses can't easily identify this sentient magical pastry from a crowd.
The Orphan Pocus
She was also marked down from something like twenty-five bucks to the regular kind of five bucks, my FAVORITE kind of five bucks!
Even better than her adorable, polka-doted skirt and unusually pure-orange pot is the fact that she speaks, but far too loudly for me to comfortably record. I seriously can't think of anywhere I can go to play this monster's cackling, screaming speech that won't confuse and alarm some number of total strangers, unless I hiked out into the middle of the woods, but then I'm a grown adult hiking out into the middle of the woods to take youtube footage of a talking plastic bowl for an article maybe three people are going to read and it's bad enough that I've even thought this far into it.
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