Written by Jonathan Wojcik
ALMOST ENOUGH Skeletons at HOMEGOODS
is a store I only discovered last year, and at the time, it certainly offered a handful of noteworthy seasonal knick-knacks. A handful.
I don't know what in the world happened, but here in 2016, Homegoods has apparently become ground zero for the Skeletpocalypse.
For real, the number of skull and skeleton items they're suddenly hocking is almost uncountable,
especially since every single Homegoods I've walked into - and I've walked into three!
- had a slightly different
skelection. I think we've very firmly established that there can never be such a thing as too
many skeletons, but Homegoods is sure as hell trying to prove me wrong...
Let's begin with this simple, human-size, realistically sculpted skull with a not-so-realistic paint job. Though it's being sold at Homegoods, a store catering more to an older, classier crowd, this is undeniably the kind of item that belongs in a room full of blacklight posters and dragon incense holders.
Worried Long-Necked Skull
This skull's look of concern should be everyone's
concern, because it means there's something nearby that a skull on the end of a long, skeletal neck finds worrisome.
I want to say this looks like the final boss from a video game, but really, it looks more like the final boss from a fictional
video game you might see in a movie or a sitcom written by people whose memories of video gaming began and ended in the 1970's. This isn't a criticism. Fictional Video Game is a top-tier aesthetic to shoot for.
Big-mouthed Skeleton Dish
This squat, monstrous skeleton boasts a gigantic lower jaw you can fill up with candy, or perhaps with another monster up to three times this skeleton's size, because I'm sure that's what it evolved to subsist upon, like a deep sea pelican eel.
Pile of Big Skulls
I know I failed to provide any reference for scale here, but trust me, these are BIG. Each of these skulls is probably the size of a basketball, and you get three of them stuck together. They don't light up or anything, they're just one very large, very heavy statue of three skulls.
Pile of Little Skulls
Three giant skulls too much? How about eight tiny ones arranged in a nice triangle? Two of them are even extra
tiny, just to fit that much more skull in wherever they could.
Different Pile of Little Skulls
Not into the triangular symmetry? You can also get yourself a more disorganized heap of headbones on a nice, rectangular wooden base. I think this is actually the best of the skull piles on offer; not only does it look the nicest, but it's hollow and you can light it from the inside!
Pile of Skulls with a Snake in it
We're not out of the skull pile yet, because we've got at least
one more and this one's also got a lovely golden snake winding in and out of it.
Giant Thoughtful Skull
This statue is about two and a half feet tall, which is pretty massive for something that's mostly a head. A head resting wistfully in its big, bony hands, admiring your good looks from afar, wondering if maybe today is the day it tries to break the ice, maybe with a self-deprecating pun about having "no body."
The Time Skull
When you see a skull with a clock in it, you don't ask questions; you know and I know it can only be properly addressed as THE TIME SKULL.
Mr and Mrs. Bones
This is the first of many, many examples of skeleton romance
at Homegoods. These two lovers are apparently buried in the same exact grave, though considering the fact that they are skeletons, it might serve as basically their apartment.
Fancy Skeleton Busts
These extremely large busts depict a couple of skeletal ghouls all dolled up for what is probably supposed to be the Day of the Dead, but we in the U.S. kind of botch what that's all about. I do love how the lady here is semi-fleshed. A little pale skin stretched over a skeleton goes a long way.
Skull Faced Woman
See? This one wouldn't nearly
stand out if she was entirely bone. The fact that she still has meat from the neck down is so much creepier.
The Very Biggest Skull
I know, I know, I really should have stuck my foot or something in some of these photos when I claim they're "big" items. This one is REALLY big though. It's a little taller than the thoughtful skull, but without a neck, it fills all that space with almost entirely skull, plus the fingers creeping up its sides for good measure.
King and Queen Skeleton Snowglobe
We won't even begin to show the total extent of skeleton snowglobes at Homegoods, but we'll see a few
before we're done here, like this royal couple either proudly or very angrily surveying their kingdom. It's always hard to tell with skeletons.
Skull Wearing Headphones
This is just a little metal sculpture of a skull with headphones. No more, no less. A pretty neat desktop ornament for someone who likes both skulls and music, I'd imagine. You may also note its unusually tall, thin eye sockets.
Naughty Skeleton Snowglobe
Sneaking a peek at a lady's coccyx, are we?
A Bunch of Married Skeletons
I told you there'd be a lot of skeleton romance. Here's two unrelated but quite similar married skeleton couples, which still aren't all
the married skeleton couples.
Skull Pillar Bird Baths
I know these are probably supposed to be something else, but I'd
use them as totally metal bird baths. Remember to put lots of stones and other objects in your bird bath, though, so honeybees can also stop by for a drink and not immediately drown! There's nothing metal about hurting bees!
A Stack of Three Increasingly Smaller Skulls
Homegoods decided it had enough piles, but maybe still not enough stacks. This stack is three or four feet tall, the uppermost skull the only natural human-sized one.
This Other Stack of Three Identical Skulls
Three differently sized skulls, or three skulls the SAME gigantic size? Homegoods is throwing some tough choices our way.
Another Married Skeleton Tombstone
This is an especially cute one, both for the skeletal arms holding each other's hands and the Fleischer Cartoon quality to those skulls.
Multiskull Wearing One Hat
So this is, like...kind of a ceramic Jack O' Lantern, but the "pumpkin" is a fused ring of skulls and the "stem" is the single, small top hat they're all wearing together. Now THIS should be a video game boss.
Married Skeletons Riding Motorcycles in a Snowglobe
You know, there kind of isn't any rhyme or reason behind what goes in a snowglobe, is there?
I Decided This Skeleton's Name is Benny
Cute Married Skeleton Snowglobe
This is a more down to earth one, but I include it because I feel like I needed just one more
example of how many married skeletons you can find at Homegoods. There had to be another dozen I didn't even bother to photograph. Is Homegoods just trying to breed
skeletons at this point?
Skeleton Lovers Bathing in Tiny Skulls In a Snowglobe Held by a Giant Skeleton Hand
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