Written by Jonathan Wojcik

31 Creepy Subeta Minions

We're not done with Subeta yet; we looked at some of its weirdest, spookiest pets and battle opponents not long ago, but the site also offers over a couple thousand "Minions," tiny item-sized pets you can give to your pets as pets of their own, much like the petpets on Neopets and I think we've officially used up our quota for the word "pet." Whoops. That was one over.

Given how small these things are, this is going to be a rather odd looking post, and we'll be looking at a nice Halloweeny 31, like we usually do with small, numerous spooks.


Yes, an entire "dead person" is a "minion" for your Subeta pets to play with. Like I said, this site's sense of humor is significantly more hardcore than neopets. Aren't those incredibly large flies, too? They're nearly the size of the corpse's head.


The Jenny Haniver is one of my favorite not-actually-monsters, and it's always a joy to see them referenced in just about any media. In Subeta, they're apparently a species of mischievous, subterranean fish-gremlin, which is exactly what they should be.


Obviously named after Krang, the Krung is a beautifully illustrated little brain, slithering on its nerves with one grouchy-looking yellow eyeball. The best part is, this isn't even the only brain-based minion on the site. Why doesn't neopets have a brain-based petpet? They've even got a stomach, an eyeball and a tongue. Come on, get on the ball guys.


Earthstar fungi are another thing I don't see referenced nearly enough, despite how adorably alien they look, like little cartoon-octopus-fungi. This little guy even comes from Subeta's secret, underground zombie world!


Surely not actually a moon, but some sort of curly, moon-shaped organism that just wasn't meant to be, coveed in eyeballs and oozing green mucus. A really strange, unsettling and creative little concept.


Adorable. Like the dead person, I'm going to guess the joke here is that these aren't even actually alive; there are a number of other minions that are dead or inanimate, though I like to think these intestines are actually undead, they just don't really do anything because they're just intestines.


Yes, there is at least one more intestine-based minion, and it's in the shape of a squid. At least, it's supposed to be in the shape of a squid, though it's head looks a lot more like something else I can think of. All in all, it's not as delighteful as the Intesteen on neopets, but I have to love it on principle.


I'm not sure why they decided to call this "carnage," since it's really just the mythological Nuckelavee, a pretty special monster around these parts. I remember when the Nuckelavee only had one illustration on the entirety of google images, until I hosted that art jam and got around 70 some entries. Ever since, I've seen him around with increasing frequency and a steady stream of fresh fan-art. Did I do that? I'm not sure I have the ego to speculate.


Another one from the zombie shop, and while it's just an eyeball that happens to be waving at us, I can't get over how cute that is.


I love that name, and what else would you really call this?


At first, this appears to be an eyeball with bat's wings, but the description talks about it stealing people's eyeballs, and suddenly it's way more obvious that this actually a tiny, eyeless monster with only a pair of arms and two pairs of wings.


It's in poor taste right now, I know, but "Ebola" as a virtual pet's virtual pet is too funny. I think I gave one of my pets not only one of these as a minion, but filled its dozen or so item slots entirely with more of them.


Another beautiful brain minion, and even animated! This one is more of a brain-like alien creature than a disembodied brain itself, with cute little teeth and two segmented tentacles!


Subeta actually has around a dozen fly-themed minions, almost sort of a running gag, and every one of them is adorable, but only one is horror themed! Look at this little cutie. We don't even know for sure if this is a human/fly hybrid, it could very well just be a fly in tiny people clothes, couldn't it?


A living bra is kind of out of left field, and might not seem especially spooky or creepy at the outset, but its item description specifies that it's a blood-sucking parasite. Do we even want to know exactly where it bites?


A copyright-safe reference to Aaahh!! Real Monsters, Ickiest has everything that was cute about Ickis, from the toad-like eyes to the bizarrely wide mouth and perpetually panicked expression.


A slab of meat with some wires and hoses attached to it apparently constitutes a "meatbot," and I won't disagree. If there was a way to actually make a cybernetic, living hunk of flesh it'd probably be the only pet I ever needed any again, even if all it did was sit there and kind of pulsate a little. Technology better catch up to my dreams before I die.


Apparently a boogeyman of some sort who steals children, and while it's difficult to make out much from this microscopic artwork, Whistler looks like one of the absolute creepiest things that could ever go around stealing children, or really doing anything at all for that matter, especially if it just whistles all the time. Jesus.


Adorable, and another thing I would accept as a real pet. Does it actually even give off light when it's plugged in?


"Fook?" Really? That's actually how my grandmother once thought "fuck" was pronounced. When she was younger, of course, it was incredibly rare to actually hear it spoken, or see it written. As a Valentine's Day zombie voodoo-doll on Subeta, I don't doubt the similarity was intentional.


This actually references one of the "zombie" infections on the site, which is the third and last thing we may be reviewing from Subeta, so while it looks slightly cutesy, we're actually seeing a pixie-like embodiment of flesh-eating fungus.


Yeah, a dead baby.


This is just one in a series of "matter" minions, beginning with the "dark matter," which are just orbs of blackness with beady white eyes and something of a running theme around the site. Out of context, the Brain Matter minion is just a whole bunch of tiny brains orbiting around each other. Again, this site keeps hitting on the pets of my dreams.


Utterly precious, mostly for all the blood trailing behind it. The little guy is just so pleased with himself, so proud of what he did.


This appears to be some sort of horned, one-eyed fetus on closer inspection, what carnies used to call "pickled punks." Another minion that may actually just be dead, unless it hibernates until you let it out.


This is literally just the goofy Alf-like alien from the old monster movie "Pod People," made famous for a while on Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was really meant to be a horror movie, earlier in production, but the execs wanted an E.T. rip-off.


You know I love monsters that are just piles of something, and you really don't really see enough monsters made of pumpkin guts, or even pumpkin monsters incorporating their guts. It seems so obvious, doesn't it?


I've always liked how "nondescript hair blobs" are a category of spooky monster, often a household pet in some Addams Family homage. Grufumbie is an especially appealing hair blob, with its purple stripes and little claws, looking almost tarantula-like.


This is an old one, but still really charming. It really looks a lot like something out of The Binding of Isaac, too. Glivenfeld's description says it's the agent of some evil master who sends it out to search for body parts in graveyards. Does that mean every Glivenfeld has that exact same job and same boss? Or all different bosses who just happen to want the same thing?


Lice are some of the cutest animals on our planet. They're fat and beady-eyed with pudgy snouts and stubby claws. It's just too bad they're almost too small to see and that their company can be such a challenge to enjoy.


The fact that somebody on Subeta knew what a penanggalan was, and felt the need to make one that was also a pumpkin, is pretty much the reason I had to do this article. Its description even mentions that it sucks the life from baby candy corns. All this time, I never knew candy corns were unborn embryonic pumpkins, but I should have really concluded that on my own.

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