Written by Jonathan Wojcik

The Wonderful World of Skeleton Figurines




   If you're American and you've ever been to a gas station that was also a souvenir store, you've probably seen entire display stands devoted to resin figurines of skulls and skeletons in everyday situations, skeletons on motorcycles, burning skeleton angels, skeleton dragons, skeletons smoking weed, maybe even skeletons wearing sunglasses at you. Skeleton figurines of every variety seem to be a fairly massive industry, and one that may or may not be completely oblivious to the fact that skeletons are almost only ever funny. It's not even the recent internet phenomenon some may have taken it for. No, skulls and skeletons have been funny for a while. They're thrust at us with so much innocent sincerity, so frequently, that it's simply no longer possible to take them seriously as a chilling glimpse into our own mortality. Any time a skeleton is intended to be terrifying, you can bet it's probably going to be hilarious, effectively making skeletons the natural elemental opposite of clowns. That is why when a clown and a skeleton come into contact, they mutually annihilate one another on a molecular level.

What was I doing again? Oh yeah. Here's some stuff I found just plugging "skeleton" and other random words into Amazon, Ebay and Google image search. Enjoy.




"Surfed too Long" Skeleton

  I'm guessing right off the bat that this was made somewhere around 1997. That's around the time when we called it "surfing the net" instead of "living" and close to around the last time anybody asked if it were possible to be using the internet for "too long," under some strange notion there was ever anything better to do before it was around. For the past seventeen years now, I've been testing to see if you can be on the internet long enough to become a skeleton, and thus far, I've been met with escalating disappointment.



Skeleton Gamer

  Now, see, this would be today's equivalent of the "surfed too long" joke. We're definitely still living in a period where the amount of time you spend playing, talking about and thinking about video games is a subject of comedy, and this skeleton has it all; bean bag chair, copyright-friendly mushroom shirt, headset, empty energy drinks...you can almost hear the misogynistic threats he's screaming into the microphone. All we're missing are the rolls of fat, and before you say he can't have any rolls of fat because he's a skeleton...



Skeleton Skater Girl

  This is going to be the first of several skeletons with prominent tits on them, and unfortunately, no indication of what those tits are made of. If they're actually made of flesh and fatty tissues, then it's possible they've been carefully preserved with formaldehyde, stuffed with something to maintain their shape, and wired onto her rib cage. Considering the cultural fixation on breasts, I wouldn't put it past undead creatures to want to hang onto them as long as possible, or maybe just steal them from other people's corpses. Maybe they've got a whole exchange program, so a skeleton who doesn't want any breasts can trade theirs off to a skeleton who does, in exchange for something else a skeleton might value, like sunglasses or an electric guitar. I've just spent a lot of time pondering a question that could have really just been answered with "the artist had a boner." You're welcome.



Punk Skeleton on the Toilet

  I have no idea what we're supposed to get out of this. I can't tell if this is intended to lean more towards "hilarious" or "edgy," like maybe you're gonna put this on your desk at work to let the older crowd know you've got a rebellious, devil-may-care approach to life, but not too rebellious. Not enough to have something offensive on your desk, just a skeleton taking a dump in a mohawk, which is technically completely G-rated. They could actually show that exact same thing happening on Dora the Explorer and like almost nobody would complain very hard. Together with your flame-pattern necktie and "Who F*rted" coffee mug, this figurine sends a message that you are irreverent enough to offer a "hip" perspective on the latest consumer reports but not quite irreverent enough to disrespect the chain of command.



"Steampunk Skeleton Gunslinger"

  Another skeleton with an ample bosom, or at least an empty corset that accentuates a non-existent bosom. I guess that seems more likely here, since we can actually see her ribcage descending into it. I'm not sure the term "steampunk" has any more meaning in our popular culture, but I overall enjoy the image of a fashionable, pink-haired skeleton girl engaged in an old fashioned Wild West barfight.



"Skeleton Eagle"

  Misleadingly named, the "Skeleton Eagle" is actually just a skeleton on an eagle, who wants us to admire both his electric guitar and the rose he found while his gigantic eagle mount somehow flies by swinging its wings in a windmill motion. I never knew they could do that.



French Chef Skeleton Wine Bottle Holder

  It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't even write anything about this. I look at it and I just start wheezing hysterically like a Hyena's grandpa.



Skeleton Clown

  Thanks, this is exactly what I needed to kill the giggles. There is absolutely nothing funny about a skeleton clown juggling both axes and a live, terrified cat. This is one of the most uncomfortable, depressing things I've seen all day. Even the monkey is too disgusted to look directly at this asshole, who should have technically already annihilated himself on a molecular level.



"Haunted Skeleton Moon"

  I wanted to see what "haunted skeleton" would bring up and it brought up a giant skeleton head that is also a moon wearing a hat. I cannot find it anywhere for less than about a hundred dollars. Here was the first one I clicked, where you can watch a video of it drifting around on a backdrop from various angles, demanding to be purchased instead of several week's worth of food.



"Native Skeleton Chief"

  I...oh. Oh no. What can I even say about this that's at all tactful. What can I say about the fact that we slaughtered tens of thousands of native people to build a country on the backs of slaves and now we apparently sell imagery of a skeletonized corpse wearing a rough approximation of a sacred native headdress in the same stores we sell booze, confederate flag bumper stickers and "not really" bongs. This is the worst thing I have ever posted on my website. This is one of the worst things I have ever seen. This isn't even funny-bad. I had to share it because it's just so completely fucking unbelievable that anybody had the audacity to even come up with this and make money on it. I'm sorry. We'll go back to talking about things that shouldn't make anybody vomit.



Skull made of Skeletons

   See? Nobody could feel insulted or disgusted looking at a skull made of skeletons. That's a good thing made of smaller good things. I like how the conglomerate skull looks kind of happy, but all the component skeletons look grouchy. There's probably a story there. It also occurs to me how awesome this thing would be as a makeshift miniature for a tabletop roleplaying game. I don't know if there's a colossal skull made out of skeletons anywhere in Dungeons and Dragons or Pathfinder, but now that I've planted the idea for you, can you Dungeon Masters honestly say you want to live your entire lives never making your players fight a giant skull made out of skeletons? That you want to die having never seen the looks on their faces when they enter a treasure room and you slam this thing down onto the table?



Skeleton Nurse

   Here's one more skeleton packing some pickled corpse knockers, and of all the tit skeletons either represented here or that I completely passed up - and there were easily a hundred or so - I find this one the most attractive due to the shoes. I'm not even a huge shoe or foot person, skeletons just look really good in heels of any kind. I dunno if there's any particular reason why this skeleton nurse statue needed two canisters of "flammable gas" directly up against her ass, but I think it was a sound decision. It would look too weird without them.



"Still Constipated" Skeleton

   Yes, there is more than one variety of skeleton on the crapper available in resin, and this one is dressed more like a successful businessman, or at least a convenience store manager. Maybe the punk skeleton grew up, got a job, and then got constipated. Or maybe punk skeleton was a regular punk who was just constipated for so long that he became a skeleton, and then he matured a lot emotionally and got a job, but he never did stop being constipated on the toilet that entire time. That is just how constipated he was.



Skeleton Nurse and Surgeon Busts

   I really like these. I feel like these are the coolest looking skeletons here, but also the most alarming. Not because they are a skeleton nurse and a skeleton surgeon, but because of their incredibly worried facial expressions. There are other skeletons in this line of busts, whose eye sockets look completely normal and natural, so why is it just the two in medical professions whose deformed sockets are awash with a look of "Okay, I kind of forgot everything I ever learned in medical school around when I died and all my skin rotted, but it's kind of too late to sew you back up so I kind of have to wing it and hope I accidentally transplant your lungs the right way around?"



Skeleton Skateboarding Down Stairs

   Damn it. Why did I waste all that time talking about all these damn skeletons when I could have just put this one up on a blank page and called it a day?



Skeleton Riding a Burning Motorcycle Which is a Skeleton as well

  On the other hand, it could have also just been this one, which we also actually own, purchased straight from a gas station that is also a souvenir store. We like to think both the skeleton biker and skeleton bike are sapient. Also, that what they are doing is extremely sexual. What I'm saying is that we ship this skeleton with its motorcycle and if you can think of a purer love that could ever be I'd like to hear it just so I can laugh right in its face.

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