Written by Jonathan Wojcik

So I just bought a bicycle helmet

   I know you're thinking that's an entirely unremarkable, ordinary thing to say, but I'm not actually someone who rides bikes. In fact, I've never once actually, physically sat on a bike. Or a skateboard. Or put on skates. I have never actually operated a wheeled personal transportation mechanism of any kind until learning to drive a car, and not only do I have no actual use for a bicycle helmet, but this particular helmet is too small for me to wear like anything other than a terrible hat. It is a children's helmet. I don't have a child, and even if I went and stole or made one right now, it would take a few years for them to grow into the rad helmet I got for them even though their whole existence is hypothetical because that's how amazing a parent I am. You don't even have to exist for me to buy you things that I like more than you do, son or daughter or baby sloth dressed in people clothes.

   Luckily, I don't really have to justify this purchase in any way other than showing you what it looks like, because what it looks like is a purple, oozing, mummified cyclops head that somebody chopped off right at the jaw line. At only about $7, it was less than a third of its original sticker price, possibly because Toys R' Us had about thirty of the same identical helmet in the same small size. Somebody sure mis-clicked something.

   The cyclops is part of a line of four different helmets, including a Frankenstein's monster, a ghoul with hands tearing open its head from the inside, and a demonic blue cow skull with slime on its horns, which I'm going to say is my second favorite, but none of them can quite compare to a slimy mummy cyclops, which by default is destined to be a permanent fixture of my home decor regardless of the form it may take. Bicycle helmet, timed explosive, rotting meat sculpture, custom realdoll...if it's in slimy, cyclops mummy form I'll put it right in my house.

   Luckily, I knew almost exactly what I was going to do with this thing nearly by the time I got it back to the car. I'm the kind of person who owns a lot more fake spiders than I actually need, and there's a part of my mind (okay, all of it) regularly viewing the world through "what can I combine with spiders" goggles.

   So behold, I have created a giant, slimy cyclops mummy spider from nothing more than a slimy cyclops mummy and a spider. I don't want to sound like a pompous egomaniac here, but sometimes, I have to admit, I think I might actually be capable of doing stuff sometimes, even like, putting a thing on another thing.

   The slimy cyclops mummy helmet looks great with long, fuzzy, bendable spider limbs. It's like a huge, slimy, cyclops mummy daddy long-legs, and you are more than welcome to steal this idea if you've got giant, bendable hairy spiders and useless monster-faced bicycle helmets around the house.

   I think I might also consider covering up those ventilation holes with a nice hat. This thing is begging for a hat. But what kind?

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