Written by Jonathan Wojcik


  In Icelandic mythology, many magical spells and enchantments were performed traditionally by male sages, but one spell (and only one) was completely unique to women. And what, you may be wondering, was so special it could only be performed by ladyfolk?

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  Meet the Tilberi, a living magical creation born for the sole purpose of dairy pilferage. Milk was a much hotter commodity back before factory farming and Walgreens, so a witch who wished to whip up some whey without working for it need only follow some simple steps: dig up a human rib bone from a graveyard on Whitsunday, wrap it in wool, stick it between her breasts, and spit holy wine onto it the next three Sundays at church.

With the third blasphemous expectoration, the disgusting bundle would spring to life with a mouth at each end, now requiring a daily intake of its mistress's blood from a new nipple she was somehow to carve into her inner thigh. The woolly worm could then be sent to neighboring farmlands where it would suckle milk from sheep, roll back home and puke the plunder straight into a butter churn.

  Sadly, a Tilberi knew no existence other than retrieving milk for the woman who gave it life, and sooner or later it would wear out its welcome. When its mistress finally grew tired of nursing a hairy bone in her pants, there was only one way for her to be rid of the creature: ordering it to gather dung instead of milk. When told to collect every last dropping it can find in three pastures, the Tilberi, eager to please its mama and get back to sucking her blood, would bloat itself on feces until it finally exploded, leaving behind an ordinary rib.

A arts by me!

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