I've been running this sad little website since early 2001, and let me tell you something: over the course of more than five years, I have been e-mailed about my website less than two dozen times. And of all this multitudinous fan-mail I've had to wade through, nearly half of it was asking something or other about SNAILIENS.


   See, it all started back in 1992, when I received a couple of highly unusual toys from my Aunt as a Christmas present. Made of solid, nonposeable rubber, they all came with a wide array of potentially hazardous accessories, the same terrible mini-comic-book, and packaging most confident in the franchise's potential stardom. Cut to nearly a decade later, and I'm sitting at home scanning character artwork off a scrap of said packaging that I dug up from a toolshed. At the time, I thought a couple of pictures and one paragraph about an obscure toy line was a perfectly noteworthy addition to my sparse little corner of the internet, but little did I realize that these things were very thoroughly ingrained in my generation's subconscious, and that virtually nowhere else on the internet had ever so much as acknowledged them. As one of Google's few results for the word "Snailiens", that sorry-ass snippet generated more conversation for me than everything else on the website combined.





   So what the hell were these things, anyway? Well, pictured above is my only remaining duo from the line: the evil lunar-tick, "Drool", and his adorable parasitic assistant, "Drippy". Standing a little over three and a half inches high, each solid-rubber figure came with its own plastic snap-on armor, one sidekick, two soft-rubber "satellites", and what was supposed to be their main selling point: The "Turbo-flex Shell".


    As clearly demonstrated by the diagram, this brilliant device was one of those hollow rubber domes (a classic party favor and frequent vending machine prize) that snap back into shape when flipped inside-out to rocket themselves clear across the room...only ten times bigger and as tough as tire rubber. What's more, they encouraged you to load it with small objects and then had the audacity to advise against aiming them at fellow life-forms.


The Snailien's Dumb Story

(Copied verbatim from booklet - IT'S NOT MY FAULT)


  "SAN FRANCISCO. The home of eight-year-old Max, his twin sister Mabel, and their baby brother Monty. Beneath the hustle and bustle of six little feet, lay another world, six feet below those six little feet, in a universe known as CRAWLSPACE, where life slows to a crawl.


   SNAIL FRANCISCO. The heart of the snail community on Earth. "A snail's pace makes for a happy place.", and if Snail Francisco's citizens agreed on one thing, it was life could rush by you unless you knew how to "take it slow".


   But bad times were coming--and fast! The Lunarticks, under the iron pincered rule of Zug, the Supreme, have targeted Earth for Tick Infestation and plan to launch their invasion by conquering Snail Francisco!


"Once Snail Francisco is ours," promises Zug, "We'll commence Operation Headstart to infect every host child on the planet!"


   "And these three will be our first heady conquests," adds Armorkillo.


   "Snail Francisco, here we come!" drools Drool.



   In the onslaught of the Lunartick invasion, the intergalacticks ally themselves with a rebel group of insect defectors called the Infects to help secure their vile victory. The Lunarticks equip the Infects with their own Turbo Flex shells that also fire the parasitic projectiles called satalice into the heart of an unsuspecting snail populace.


   In the ensuing mayhem, a lone snail managed to escape and sends out a desperate call for help on the shallow hope that someone might heed their plea.


   And deep in the outer realms of Crawlspace, in the agalaxy known as Crust Station 7, that shallow hope is answered.


   A salvage ship, the S. Cargo, manned by a crew of Interstellar snails called Snailiens, picks up the faint distress call. Though they are under directive not to interfere with other worlds, the four Snailiens can't ignore the desperate call for help.


   "We must heed their need". says the captain.


   "Their only hope is us not saying nope", adds the chief engineer.


   The Snailiens change course for Earth to attempt a renegade rescue mission.


   Under the leadership of their captain, the Snailiens don their exo-armor and armaments. Fighting fire with fire, the Snailiens use their Sonic Shells and Shellshots to battle the clear and present danger of the Lunartick scourge.


   "Let's kick some tick!" rallies the captain.


   The Lunarticks take a licking but keep on ticking.


   As the Snailiens battle to save Snail Francisco, Max, on his way home from school, spots the abandoned S. Cargo in the bushes in front of his house. "Way cool shell," coos Max and decides to keep it.


    Before the Snailiens can do anything to stop him, Max takes the space ship inside and places his new prized possession on the highest shelf of his bedroom.


   "That should keep Monty away from it," Max beams, secure that his baby brother--and tragically, the Snailiens too-- will never be able to get to it.


   The price the Snailiens have paid to become heroes is a high one. Stranded, strangers in a strange new world, the Snailiens realize they'll never see their home again.


   "All we have now is each other", encourages the Snailien captain. "And our memories to keep our home alive in our hearts."


   In an act of unselfish courage the Snailiens decide to join the cause and help the Snails in their struggle against the Lunarticks and save Snail Francisco and all childrenkind from tick infestation.


   Moved by the Snailiens plight, the citizens of Snail Francisco vow to help their new allies once the Lunarticks are defeated. Unable to pronounce their native Snailienese names, the Snailmates give each Snailien a new name, knighting them in honor of the great leaders who have come before them--and also happened to drop out of the pockets from the upworld into theirs.










   "Go, Go, S. Cargo!!!", cheers all of Snail Francisco.


   And so on that day, with pride in their bearing, looking bravely out at this new world before them, the real adventure for our Snailien heroes was about to begin...



...Wasn't that great? No? WELL THAT'S TOO BAD, because we're only half finished here!


-The complete SNAILIENS Cast of Characters-


-The Heroic Snailiens and their dumb Sidekicks-


Washington and Sparks


Jefferson and Jet


Roosevelt and Cruise


Lincoln and Charger (Booo!)


Zug and Itchy


Armokillo and Wart


Drool and Drippy


Blastar and Blister



...This continues to be the most visited, most linked to page in my entire archive, but believe it or not, is about more than just Snailiens! Head back to the homepage for some bonus, non-snailiens material!!!



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