|Mythology's Silliest Vampires
Tales of semi-living, semi-human predators - vampires - have existed for untold millenia, and
it is only in more recent popular culture that they have become so drab and uniform. The
common, modern image of vampirism is nothing compared to the endless diversity of true
vampiric lore. Myths and legends all around the world tell of these ghoulish parasites in
virtually every shape and size imaginable, from vengeful animal spirits to gruesome
ex-humans and supernatural entities so strange it would take a short essay to describe them.
But with so many varieties, it's only natural that some would be completely ridiculous.
Here you will learn about five of the world's goofiest, least frightening mythological vampires,
poorly illustrated in crayola crayon to nowhere near the best of my ability. These creatures
are all quite real; that is, they all originate from very real folk tales that have been passed
down for centuries in their respective regions. However preposterous these monsters sound,
they were once taken very seriously by those who believed in the threat of the supernatural,
and in some cases, still are.
In Burmese folklore, the thaye, or tasei, are evil people condemned to roam the
earth as weak and degernate disembodied spirits, causing minor illness in the
living as they wander aimlessly in the night. Fairy routine for an undead demon - but
should you come across one of these creatures, it should be immediately
recognizable by its humongous ears, tusk-like fangs and long, dangling tongue.
From the folks who brought us zombies and voodoo magic comes a vampire tale with
everything you could ever ask for and didn't know you wanted. The Haitian loogaroo,
usually female, hunts for prey on the 7th, 13th, and 17th night of each month, and begins
her venture by rubbing down her body with magical herbs that allow her to remove her
own skin, which she rolls up and stores in a safe place. This is followed by a peculiar
dance that causes turkey wings to sprout from her back and flames to shoot out from her
armpits and anus. You might want to read that last sentence a second time, just so we're
clear. Like an idiotic undead rocket, she flies out into the night sky in search of victims
while leaving a bright, glowing exhaust trail.
Preying mostly on children and causing severe sickness, the Loogaroo has two common
methods of attack: either she transforms into an insect (usually a cockroach) to enter the
victim's home or inserts a long, thin straw though the house's thatched walls to drink blood
from a sleeper's cheek.
From the swampy southern state of Louisiana, the Loups Garou is not one, not two, but
three flavors of monster in a single perplexing package. A vampire, a warlock, AND a
werewolf, this powerful, evil being is said to command its own army of giant bats, which
carry it at night to drop it through the chimneys of potential victims. Anyone bitten by a
Loups Garou could become one themselves, resulting in mass outbreaks of
were-warlock-vampires dropping in on people like some baffling, bloodthirsty Santa
Luckily, this fiendish foe has one of the most easily exploitable (and entertaining)
weaknesses in all of vampire-dom. It is terrified of frogs or toads, and is best driven off by
throwing one at it.
This one's a doozy. This Brazilian vampire is traditionally described as a stumpy,
hunch-backed, monkey-like man with an unkempt beard, yellow skin, black teeth and
pale, bloodless lips. It preys exclusively on women, who are transformed by its bite into
chronic nymphomaniacs, making it a vampire many of you probably wish you had handy.
The primary weakness of this dirty little monster was the intoxicating effect it suffered after
consuming human blood; when sufficiently drunk, it could be slain by crucifixion or
|The cutest and weirdest of these creepy characters, but not entirely a vampire...
just click here!