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| Silly Vampires |
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Tales of semi-living, semi-human predators - vampires - have existed for untold millenia, and it is only in recent times with the advent of the hollywood vampire that they have become so drab and uniform. The common, modern image of vampirism is nothing compared to the endless diversity of true vampiric lore. Myths and legends all around the world tell of these ghoulish parasites in virtually every shape and size imaginable, from vengeful animal spirits to gruesome ex-humans and supernatural entities so strange it would take a short essay to describe them.
But with so many varieties, it's only natural that some would be completely ridiculous.
Here you will learn about five of the world's goofiest, least frightening mythological vampires, poorly illustrated in crayola crayon to nowhere near the best of my ability.These creatures are all quite real; that is, they all originate from very real folk tales that have been passed down for centuries in their respective regions and I have taken absolutely no liberties in describing them. However preposterous these monsters sound, they were once taken very seriously by those who believed in the threat of the supernatural, and in some cases, still are. |
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Thaye/Tasei |
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Homeland: Burma |
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Fans of one Jhonen Vasquez may note some familiarity here, but this is anything but an infringement of copyrights. There really is an ancient, burmese legend of such ridiculous-looking fiends, and they go by two names. The thaye, or tasei, are evil people condemned to roam the earth as disembodied spirits and are immediately recognizable by their huge ears, tusk-like fangs, and long tongues. Wether or not Vasquez patterned his unfortunate loserly vampire after this fable is anyone's guess, but they are indeed a lowly and degenerate class of undead, usually causing little more than minor illness in their aimless, nocturnal wanderings. |
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Loogaroo |
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Homeland: Haiti |
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From the folks who brought us zombies and voodoo magic comes a vampire tale with everything you could ever ask for and didn't know you wanted. The loogaroo, usually female, hunts for prey on the 7th, 13th, and 17th night of each month, and begins her venture by rubbing down her entire body with a special blend of magical herbs. This allows her to remove her own skin, which she rolls up and stores in a safe place. This is followed by a peculiar dance that causes turkey wings to sprout from her back and flames to shoot out from her armpits and anus. You might want to read that last sentence a second time, just so we're clear. Like an idiotic undead rocket, she flies out into the night sky in search of victims while leaving a bright, glowing exhaust trail.
Preying mostly on children and causing severe sickness, the Loogaroo has two common methods of attack: either she transforms into an insect (usually a cockroach) to enter the victim's home or inserts a long, thin straw though the house's thatched walls and drinks blood from a sleeper's cheek.
A variation of the loogaroo myth has it that she transforms into a small ball of light after shedding her skin. I know which one I prefer. |
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Loups Garou |
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Homeland: Louisiana |
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From the swampy southern state of Louisiana, the Loups Garou is not one, not two, but three flavors of monster in a single perplexing package. A vampire, a warlock, AND a werewolf, this powerful and evil being is said to command an army of giant bats, which would carry it at night and drop it through the chimneys of its intended victims. Anyone bitten by a Loups Garou could become one themselves, resulting in mass outbreaks of were-warlock-vampires dropping in on people like some baffling, bloodthirsty Santa Claus.
Luckily, this fiendish foe has one of the most easily exploitable (and entertaining) weaknesses in all of vampire-dom. It is terrified of frogs and toads, and is best driven off by throwing one at it. Let me explain that again, so it sinks in: to defeat these spellcasting, bloodsucking lycanthropes, you were supposed to throw frogs at them. Why, oh why are these creatures so shamefully absent from horror films??? |
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Lobishomen |
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Homeland: Brazil |
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This one's a doozy. This Brazilian vampire was always described as a stumpy, hunch-backed, monkey-like man with an unkempt beard, yellow skin, black teeth and pale, bloodless lips. It preyed exclusively on women, who were transformed into nymphomaniacs by its bite. The primary weakness of this dirty little monster was the intoxicating effect it suffered after consuming human blood. When sufficiently drunk, it could be slain by stabbing and/or crucifixion.
I'm almost positive that this is no mere myth. Half the people on the internet match this description. |
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Yara-ma-ya-who |
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Homeland: Australia |
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The wackiest, weirdest and cutest of the bunch, stories of these creatures were once told by aboriginies to keep their children from wandering off unsupervised or otherwise misbehaving. While closer to an australian bogeyman than a "true" vampire, it is frequently classified as one for its decidely vampiric lifestyle. Said to be approximately three feet tall and covered in red or brown hair, the Yara-ma-ya-who has an oversized head and eyes, a wide, toothless mouth, and octopus-like suckers on its fingers and toes, but its outlandish appearance is only the beginning.
Sneaking up on a lone, sleeping victim in the forest or dropping from a tree, the Yara-ma-ya-who would drain blood through its suckers and leave the victim helplessly weak, returning some time later to swallow the person whole. Fortunately, the Yara-ma-ya-who was said to be incapable of digesting flesh, and would eventually regurgitate its meal alive and fully rejuvinated, making it preferable that the creature ingest you rather than leave you stranded and weakened in dingo country.
The twist in the tale is that the Yara-ma-ya-who will always attempt another attack on the same person if he/she is caught alone in the woods again, and every time, the victim would be spat up a bit shorter, a bit hairier, and a bit hungrier for blood. If the poor moron wasn't careful, there would soon be two Yara-ma-ya-who to terrorize the local children.
But gosh, they sure sound cute. |
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.........And there you have it, a quick run-down of what I believe to be some of the most humorous vampire legends, and it certainly doesn't end with these. The german "Alp" is a vampire who takes on the form of a dog or pig wearing a hat, Gypsy folklore tells of pumpkins and watermelons springing to life and hungering for blood, and the Ashanti people of southern Ghana (India) once believed in the Asasabonsam; a vampire with steel teeth that hangs from trees by its arms to ensnare prey with its sharp, hook-shaped feet.
There are thousands of ghosts and ghouls lurking in every corner of human culture. Some are silly, some are disturbing, and others, like most of you, just sort of lie there and contribute nothing of value to society either way. If you would like to learn more, run a google search for any of the above horrors - you're sure to find extensive listings of vampiric species from all around the world. If you would like to learn more the "fun" way, however, take a trip to your local library or used book store.
And never leave the house without a frog. |
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